Things I hate:
1) Undies that don’t stay put
2) Spinning rides
3) Snotty people
4) Standing in line
5) Bathing suit shopping
So there you have it. Right up there in the top 5. Among the suckiest of all things that suck. Bathing suit shopping.
Every year I tell myself that this year is going to be the year that I can confidently walk in to the store, choose a 2-piece bathing suit, try it on in the glaring and unflattering lights of the dressing room, admire myself in the 3-way-mirrors and know that hot damn, I look gooooooood! Sadly, I’ve been saying this to myself every year since I was about 12. Now, at nearly 38, I am still saying it.
I sometimes look down at this body of mine and I simply don’t recognize it, like it couldn’t possibly be mine. Age, motherhood, lots of baking and too many carbs have not been kind. I can tell you that it looks and feels nothing like it did before I had two 8+ pound babies… and nursed them for 18 months… each. The only thing I recognize is my hair, of which – as I have mentioned previously – I am quite fond. Other than the hair though, it’s all gone downhill.
Or has it? I suppose that depends on how I look at it. And how I look at it depends on the day.
A few things that have changed for the worse are fairly obvious to anyone I encounter. I have bumps, wrinkles, dimples and bulges that I never used to have, mostly in places where they don’t belong. There are parts of me that sag lower than should be allowed. And I am no longer able to wear high heels for longer than about 45 minutes or I will be limping for days with achy ankles and knees. The fact is, I have gotten old and soft.
However, on the good days, I can see that in many ways I’ve improved and totally kick ass, if I do say so myself. I am in better shape than I’ve ever been and able to do strenuous things with my body that I have never been able to do before. I am fit. I am strong. I am confident. I use my body in new ways regularly and am amazed at what it can do. Beyond pregnancy and childbirth, motherhood is a physical challenge and I have risen to that challenge and taken it to another level. I have set and achieved physical goals for myself that I never would have attempted before becoming a mother, even if I did have a much nicer body. On the good days, I feel damn good.
I try to remember those things when I look in the mirror, but it doesn’t always happen. I am not blind or delusional. I have work to do. I want to be a slimmer – and healthier – version of me for myself and for my kids. I especially want my daughter to see me eating right, exercising and loving my body. And I want that because I want her to feel the same way about herself. I will never be a size 4 without medical intervention involving removal of my hips and several ribs, but I can show her what a healthy and fit woman looks like. I don’t love my body right now, but I’m trying to fake it until I make it for my daughter’s sake, and my own.
I recently registered for a minitriathlon (quite a challenge as I am afraid to ride my bike and can’t swim all that well). I did it to conquer my fears, become stronger, shape up a bit more and show my daughter that her mom is one tough broad, no matter how flabby the tummy or how big the pants size. While I am a work in progress, I love what I can do with my mommy body and look forward to improving it and finding new and challenging ways to use it. I discovered my new mantra when I came across at-shirt a few weeks. It says “Strong is the New Skinny.” Hell yeah, it is!
