In the 7 years I have been a mom, I have seen changes in the world of mothering. I talked to my mom and mother-in-law to get some perspective on just how much mothering has changed in the last 37+ years that they have been mothers, given how much I’ve seen it change in just the last 7. I was surprised, impressed and depressed by their observations. And I agree with just about all of it.
Things are more complicated than they used to be.
Moms have more to worry about than they used to. From the pressure to be perfect moms, to the pressure to have perfect kids, to the pressure to be perfect women, to the pressure to have perfect homes, moms can’t catch a break. We also have more “threats” than our moms had to deal with. There was no Internet, FaceBook, texting/sexting. Hell, it wasn’t even dangerous to ride bikes without helmets, sleep in cribs coated in lead or take car rides in our mothers’ laps instead of safely strapped down in 5-point harnessed, memory-foam laden, indestructible car seats. While in some ways the knowledge that we have gained has clearly made life and parenting better and easier, in other ways, it’s just given us new things to be scared of. Are there more pedophiles? Is kidnapping more common? Can you catch your death from the water in Lake Quannapowitt? I really don’t know. It sure seems like it though, doesn’t it? (Interestingly enough, stats show that crime rates in general are down, and crimes against children have declinedby about 50% since 1993.)
Kids also demand more than they used to. The amount of “stuff” in kids’ lives is overwhelming. And I don’t just mean material stuff. Moms are supposed to enroll their kids in every possible activity that will potentially enrich their children’s lives so they one day get in to Harvard – sports, cheering, karate, art, Spanish, origami, etc. They also must fight all of their kids’ battles and never allow their children to feel the pain of losing a game or ever get a bad grade that they have clearly earned. Kids can never be left alone outside, be exposed to germs, use the words “stupid” or “shut up,” think that they are better at something than their peers, or be honest with themselves that they don’t actually like everyone in their first grade class. Kids cannot experience the satisfaction of delayed gratification, be told “No” or “because I said so, that’s why.” They don’t have to “eat it because there are starving children in Africa” when they hate what is put on their dinner plates. Moms can’t let that stuff happen anymore. It just isn’t done. All of which, in my opinion, is total crap, and a huge disservice to our children.
Things are more complicated than they used to be. And some of it is our own fault.
Moms can’t be “just moms” anymore.
I thought it was just me, but I have to say, I was really happy to hear that these two wonderful and experienced mothers both saw the pressures that today’s moms are under. I don’t mean the pressures that we have created for ourselves with unfair expectations, but the pressures our culture and economy have put on all of us.
Moms are part of the workforce – by choice and by necessity, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan. Or at least they’re guiltily microwaving the pre-cooked, no-refrigeration-required-until-open kind of bacon they grabbed off the shelves at Market Basket at the end of the day after putting in 8 hours at the office, hitting the gym, attending a PTO meeting, followed by a therapist appointment and a guaranteed-to-last-10-days manicure, wishing they had stopped at Whole Foods for the soy-based organic “bacon” that they read about in some green-parenting guilt-inducing blog on their lunch hour.
Did you know that our moms didn’t do all that? Why do we?
Even moms who don’t work outside the home aren’t able to “just” be moms. They have to be PTO Presidents AND troop leaders AND bloggers AND wanna-be entrepreneurs AND marathoners AND activists AND serial volunteers AND more! Remember when our moms used to be waiting for us at the bus stop, excited to walk us home and hear about our day over fresh-from-the-oven chocolate chip cookies and a glass of cold milk? OK, I don’t remember that at all, but I’m sure somebody does!
Don’t you wish you could do that sometimes? I do.
Dads have an active role in parenting.
Think of all the things dads were missing 37 years ago. No late night feedings. No diaper changes. No cleaning up puke at 3AM. I’ll bet dads thank their lucky stars every day that they get to experience all the glamour of parenting that their fathers never did!
But seriously, it’s not just the grunt work of parenting that dads now share. They have become true partners in the parenting team. According to my mother-in-law, moms used to be the primary parent – the one who provided most of the love, discipline, teaching… everything. Dads were relegated to be bread-winners. Today, dads are equal parents. They stay home with sick kids, pack lunches, kiss boo-boos, check homework, read bedtime stories, and get showered with their kids’ adoring hugs and kisses, as only moms did in the past. Today’s moms are lucky to have the support of our husbands that our mothers did not. My father likes to brag that he never changed a diaper. My husband thinks my father missed out. Times have changed, and I’m thankful for that.
Moms have more support than ever.
With all of the added pressures, I’m pleased to say that I think moms have more support than they ever have. When Hillary said it takes a village, she knew what she was talking about. Our moms didn’t have the benefit of society embracing that proverb. Being a mom can still be isolating and lonely. But today we have cell phones, FaceBook, therapists, husbands, organized play dates, moms’ groups, parenting blogs, email, preschool and professions that our mothers didn’t have. We have the power of the Internet to research our children’s health issues and can be armed with the knowledge we need to advocate for their proper care. We have the support of our immediate and virtual community to vent to, laugh with and share our tequila. We are not “just” moms and never will be again. We are a sisterhood of mothers, raising the future generation the best way we can.
I got the feeling that neither of the moms I talked to would really want to be moms in today’s world. They said they have a lot of respect for the work that we do, the way we do it, and the children we are raising. I was touched and honored to have both my mom and mother-in-law tell me that they both thought I was a good mom.
Apparently, there is one major thing that hasn’t changed: one of the best things you can get in life is a mom’s stamp of approval. Thanks, guys. It means more than you know, from one great mom to two much better ones
Happy Mother’s Day, Wakefield moms! Keep up the great work.
