My daughter was such an easy baby. Laid-back, happy-go-lucky, flexible… I should have seen the warning signs! By the time she was 22 months, she was refusing – and I mean refusing – to wear jeans. There was no way I was getting those things on her body. And if I did manage to get them on her, swearing and sweating during the entire battle of wills and emotional endurance, she would demonstrate a level of manual dexterity rarely seen in toddlers, expertly unbuttoning, unzipping and removing the pants at mach speed. Eventually, I gave up on the jeans.
Her fashion rules have gotten more and more restrictive as she’s gotten older and more articulate, and continue to dictate her wardrobe at age 7, even despite the clothing choices of her fashion-forward friends. Jersey-knit only. No buttons, not even decorative. No long cuffs. No tights. No puffy sleeves. No sewn-on embellishments. No over-sized iron-ons. No empire waist. No strappy tanks. No lace, ribbons or frills. No seams across socks. No dress shoes. No cutesy sayings. No brand names. No leggings. No skirts without built-in shorts. And the list goes on. While she can give a valid (to her) excuse for why she won’t wear these things, I challenge you to find 4 seasons worth of school-appropriate clothing.
I firmly believe in choosing my battles when it comes to parenting, and I learned long ago that the “general appearance battle” is one that I don’t pick. Therefore, I am an expert on looking the other way when my kids get dressed. When they come down from their rooms dressed for school, I brace myself. I have learned that I can only make suggestions on what might match. I’m only their mother. I don’t actually know what I’m talking about.
My only rule is that they are dressed in a generally seasonally appropriate manner. Or that they accept the consequences of their decisions. I do not force them to wear jackets in the winter, nor do I force them to wear shorts in the summer. After all, it’s not my body. As I tell them, I am not at all uncomfortable when they are hot/cold. I advise, but do not dictate. Eventually they learn mommy isn’t always so dumb.
As the kids age, the battles over fashion will change. I tend to think that stuff is fleeting and not worth the fight. Clothing, makeup, hair – it is all impermanent. I will offer my opinion and my advice when asked, and I fully expect it to be disregarded.
The permanent stuff like piercings and tattoos, well, that’s a whole ’nother ball o’ wax. When I went to college and got a 4th earring in my left ear, I remember my mother making me promise that I wouldn’t do anything to my face. I thought that was such an odd request. But now I get it. I will make the same rule in my house: nothing on the face.
And while I don’t have anything against tattoos (note: I am ink-free, myself), I do think they are something only adults should get. That thing will be on you forever. Even when you’re 93. Once my 5 year old boy asked me to get a spider web tattoo radiating from my elbow, because, you know, it’s cool. When I asked him what he would think if Oma, his great grandmother, had one, he thought it would be pretty silly. I told him I would be like Oma one day and still have a spider web on my arm. He decided that maybe I shouldn’t get one after all. Point made.
Personal appearance is part of personal expression. Kids will be kids. Fashions will change. I went through my fluorescent phase in the 80s. I had huge hair and claw bangs in junior high and high school. I wore ripped jeans and flannel in the grunge days of the 90s. Last year I got hot pink highlights in my hair. And this fall I wore jeggings.
My mom probably bit her tongue through each and every one of those phases. If she’d said something, I probably would have ignored her. I mean, what does she know anyway? She’s just my mom.
